


The Depth of Being Free

by Thegeekygirl52



Series: The Depth of Being Free [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Harry Potter has a happy childhood (kinda), Past James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin in Azkaban, Sirius Black Never Went to Azkaban, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27313885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thegeekygirl52/pseuds/Thegeekygirl52
Summary: Sirius couldn't have been the Secret-Keeper. After his brother died the only thing that was on Sirius's mind was killing the Dark Lord, and when all you want is to get out and fight, you can't make a good Secret-Keeper.So they chose Remus, but Remus had his own reasons for giving up the task.The next option was Peter, and when he became the Secret-Keeper... Well, we all know what happened.Cross-posted on Wattpad ao3 and fanfiction.net
Relationships: Andromeda Black Tonks/Ted Tonks
Series: The Depth of Being Free [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1994167
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So one day, my brother and I overthought the concept of 'what would have happened if the first Secret-Keeper was Remus Lupin and not Sirius Black' which led to me writing what would happen throughout all of the years from 1981 to 1998 if that was the case.  
> The thing you are going to read right now will hopefully be the first part of a series that will follow that concept.  
> Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Harry Potter, and I like to think of myself as a sensible person, so no, I'm not transphobic.

Sirius Black was desperate, he had every reason in the world to be desperate, and Lily and James Potter knew that. Sirius’s brother died just a year ago, only eighteen years old, because he was a death eater, meaning the only thing on Sirius’s mind right now was killing Voldemort. That meant going as far as trying to get the whereabouts of the dark lord from his lovely death eater cousins.

Lily and James Potter both knew that for that reason, Sirius couldn’t be trusted to be their Secret-Keeper so they chose Remus Lupin instead and told Albus Dumbledore.

But Remus was scared, too scared. It didn’t matter how trustworthy he was, or how many precautions he’d take, he was still a werewolf, meaning he could find himself in places he didn’t even know about, and that was not a good quality for a Secret-Keeper. So he told Lily and James he couldn’t do it. Lily and James thought he was needlessly worrying, but Remus was stubborn and insisted that they need to switch to Peter Pettigrew, who was, as Remus put it, “the most regular person of us marauders and the last one to be suspected”. So they switched, but this time they did it without telling Dumbledore nor Sirius, for the sake of being as safe as possible.

But Peter was a rat, and trusting him was probably the worst decision they ever made because, in the end, it was what got them killed. 

Lily and James were killed in all hallows’ eve 1981 by the dark lord. their son, Harry, was hit by the killing curse as well, but he did not die, more than that, he vanquished the Dark Lord, ending the wizarding war. Harry James Potter was only one year old at the time.

Peter Pettigrew was a bloody rat. Being a very loyal Death Eater, the first thing he did after the Dark Lord killed the only friends he ever had, whom he did not mourn for a minute, was to sneak into his former friends’ house in the dead of night, take the Dark Lord’s wand and hide it in a place where no one will search for it.

Remus Lupin, on the other hand, was a good friend, and that night, it was almost 4 AM, he went to check on his ‘friend’, to check on Peter. He did it a little after Peter went to the Potters’ house and came back (not that he knew it even happened), but when Remus went to Peter’s hideout, Peter wasn’t there, and Remus started panicking. But then he concentrated and tried to use his wolf senses to try and feel if something had happened; even though there was no sign of a struggle or anything else that would explain Peter’s disappearance, Peter’s scent… it was still there, a thing that could indicate one of two things: either that Peter didn’t leave the hideout that long ago, or that he was somewhere nearby.

Remus started searching; if Peter apparated from the place, there was a very small chance that Remus would find him, but he still could’ve been nearby. Remus got out of the hideout and started looking for a sign of Peter. it took a while, but he found him: he was two blocks away from his hideout and looked like he was waiting for someone.

‘Remus,’ Peter started, in a mocking voice ‘I didn’t think it would be you, it was a lot more likely that Sirius would be the one to come, but a werewolf in Halloween is entertaining.’

‘What the hell are you on about?’ asked Remus.

‘Haven’t you heard yet? The Potters are dead,’ he said.

Remus backed away like he was hit in the stomach with something hard. ‘W-what are you talking about? Th-they were supposed to be safe! **You** were supposed to keep them safe!’

‘You happened,’ Peter started shouting and sobbing, ‘it was Lily and James, Remus! How could you?!’

It only took a moment for Remus to realize what really happened, and he raised his wand against Peter, but he was not quick enough. Peter already had his own wand in hand; he blew up the street with _Confringo_ , cut off his own toe, transformed into his rat form and ran away. 

Remus was left alone, and when the Hit Wizards showed up, they arrested him for killing five Muggles and one wizard, for giving the information about the Potters' whereabouts which lead to their death, and for service to Lord Voldemort. 

There was no trial, mostly for the fact that Remus was a werewolf and no one counted werewolves as people, the common opinion about them being that they were all a danger to society, some people even going as far as to say that keeping him alive was mercy, and the ministry should have let him get the Dementor’s kiss or just kill him.

And on that day, the most terrible twelve years of Remus’s life started.


	2. Chapter one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Sirius Orion Black's birthday! He's 61 today! I wanted really bad to post this chapter today, so there is a not so little chance that some stuff aren't as good as they could have been storywise, but I hope you'll still enjoy it.

They were all dead. Effie and Monty were the first to go, the only real parents Sirius ever had, the people who took him in after he ran away, who gave Sirius a place to call home. The people who never let Sirius feel like he wasn’t part of their family: the woman who gave him his first motherly hug and the man who cared for him in the way that a father should. The two people who deserved the most to love their little grandson Harry, but who never had the opportunity.

And then Reggie was gone. It was not right. Regulus was only eighteen years old. Why did he join the Death-Eaters? Sirius didn’t even know  _ how  _ his brother died, there was no one to tell him. Sirius failed Regulus so many times, even when Sirius ran away he left Regulus in that hellhole. In fact, he left him almost to die. Sirius was sure the only reason Regulus was alive back then was that if you had a disowned son and the other was dead, you had no heir. 

And now, it started as the worst thing that could have happened and it just became worse.

It started with another brother and the most beautiful flower being crushed to the ground, the tiniest and most precious thing left all by himself, in that terrifying world. Sirius was in denial; the war already took too much from him and he wasn't willing to pay the price.

Sirius wanted to get out of the flat, to take a walk, to breathe some early morning air, and… Sirius knew in the back of his mind that there was something very important that he needed to do, but what was it?

And then it hit him. The Potters were dead, which meant that someone broke the Fidelius Charm. That someone was the Secret-Keeper, Remus Lupin. He didn’t believe it, there was no way Remus would betray them, but right now he had to know if Peter was okay, Peter was the only one left.

When Sirius got to where the fight was (he walked there, he couldn’t get himself to apparate), it was already 5 AM and the place was full with ministry workers, Obliviators, Aurors, Hit wizards and more, Sirius didn’t know what happened there, but as a member of the order, his instinct was to come closer. 

The first person to recognize Sirius was Amelia Bones, a bright young witch who was a year older than Sirius. Amelia was a ministry worker in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and was there to examine the scene and to report to Mr Crouch, the head of the department, about what she saw. 

‘Sirius Black!’ she said, from the other end of the scene. ‘Do you know by any means what happened here?’ 

Sirius was surprised, why would he know anything about the bloody thing that happened here? ‘Why would I? The only thing I did was walking by, does this have something to do with me?’ 

‘Just an hour ago your best friend killed another one of your friends and a few people here, so I will say yes,’ Said Amelia.

No. This wasn’t happening. But it must have been the worst kind of a nightmare because if he understood what Amelia just said in the right way, Remus Lupin killed three of his friends in the last 24 hours. Sirius started crying very quietly.

‘Black, I know you are grieving right now, but the ministry needs to interrogate you about the Potters, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.’ Amelia stated.

Gawain Robards , one of the Aurors in the scene approached Sirius and told him to come with him, and they apparated to the Ministry. 

Sirius was interrogated about everything, and on one hand, there was not a lot of information that Sirius had (and was willing to give) that the ministry didn’t already know, but on the other hand, the ministry told Sirius about what happened (from their angle at least) in Remus and Peter’s fight. He was so broken after hearing everything and he just wanted to go home and never come out of bed but he needed to ask one more thing.

‘Do you know when Remus’s trial is going to happen?’ Sirius asked Robards in a broken voice. Sirius knew he wouldn’t be able to testify for Remus, Remus was out so much for the order, but maybe he wasn’t… maybe he did those things, but he wanted to at least hear Remus out.

‘I don’t think they scheduled a date yet,’ Robards answered.

Sirius would have looked deeper into it but he felt like passing out or maybe just dying. he wasn’t just overwhelmed, he was completely shattered, Sirius was nothing without his family and they were all gone now.

The Auror let Sirius go, and as soon as Sirius was outside of the ministry he apprated to his flat. There wasn’t a war outside anymore, but there was nothing to live for either, at least not for Sirius Black.

  
  
  


Harry James Potter was exactly fifteen months old when he vanquished the Dark Lord, but as a baby, he didn’t take great interest in that. What mattered right now was the fact he was alone, his mummy was there but she looked like she was asleep and no matter how much Harry had cried, she didn’t wake up. His daddy wasn’t there, his uncles weren’t there, no one was there. That was a good reason to cry.

And then came the big man, he was really, really big. Harry thought the tallest man in the world was his uncle Moony, but this man was bigger. The big man took Harry to the old house and told Harry that he will take him tomorrow to his aunt and uncle’s house. Harry was happy when the big men said that because his uncles were very nice, but he was confused about why mummy and daddy were not there.

The old house was nice, and the old lady was nice too and she took care of him. Harry stayed in the old house until the day after when the big man showed up again and told him they were going. There was a broom in the living room and the big man touched it while he was holding Harry. When the big man touched the broom Harry started feeling very dizzy and sleepy and everything went like circles. And then they were somewhere else, and Harry fell asleep.

When Harry woke up he was alone again and inside something, it was warm and nice but it was small and he couldn't move in it. There was light outside, and before Harry could even think about it, a woman came out of a house, after the woman saw harry and stared at the little piece of paper that was next to him, she picked him up and brought him inside. The inside of the house looked nice but there was a kid there who didn't look nice and a big man (although he wasn't as big as the man from yesterday) that looked confused when he saw Harry.

"Petunia, why is there more than one baby in my house?" The man asked the woman, and he was doing it loudly.

"Vernon, this is Harry Potter," the woman pointed at Harry.

"Your nephew? Why is he here?" 

"L-Lily is dead, and her husband too," when she said Lily, Harry thought she was talking about his mummy, that was her name.

"But why is he here and not with one of her freaks friends?"

"The note said that it is important that we will raise him, it was something about ma…"

"I will not hear this word in my house!" 

"What do we do now, Vernon? I would be sending him to an orphanage but I don't want one of those horrible freaks in my home telling me that I cannot do that."

"We will have to raise the boy, but he will just be a burden on us."

Harry wasn't sure what exactly was going but the man sounded angry and afraid and so was the woman. 

Harry just wanted his parents and his uncles back, he really missed all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few clarifications:  
> 1\. Effie and Monty are Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, James’s parents.  
> 2\. Gawain Robards was the head of the Auror office after Rufus Scrimgeour became minister for magic, in that time he was probably just an Auror.  
> 3\. The old house that Harry is referring to is Bathilda Bagshot’s house, there is no way Harry was with Hagrid in the missing twenty-four hours, Hagrid can’t babysit a one-year-old so in my headcanon and in this in this fanfic, he was with her. 
> 
> If you want, you can always contact me at:  
> my tumbler - http://thegeekylady52.tumblr.com/  
> my Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/the.geeky.girl/  
> I am posting this fanfic in both of those places if you like reading fanfics there you can check it out.


	3. Chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did I write more than 1500 words without one line of dialogue?   
> I have no idea, but it happened, and I'm just hoping the next chapters will have dialogue in them. It's nice to write feelings, but I need stuff to happen.

Sirius didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to stay asleep. Not because it was nice but because when he was asleep he didn’t have to face reality. Everyone outside celebrated. Good for them, at least they had something to celebrate, Voldemort being dead and all, and there won’t be any more Death Eaters. Maybe that will be the end for killing on behalf of blood status.

Harry Potter was everyone’s hero, who cares that he was a baby, but no one thought about where he was right now, not even Sirius. Sirius convinced himself that he was unable to take care of Harry and good chances are he was right. He was so broken, most of his pieces were in the world of the dead and the little child didn’t need a broken man for a parent. 

After a day and a half of mostly sleeping, an owl came. Well, it wasn’t the first owl to come, yesterday an owl from Hogwarts came and there was one from the ministry and another one that Sirius didn’t recognize, but this owl was different. It was a proud and big silver owl that didn’t leave Sirius until he started reading the letter, and even after that, the owl didn’t go back.

It was Andy’s owl, Sirius knew it. The owl was clearly from someone within the Black family, and it couldn’t be from his mother (who didn’t even invite him for his own brother’s funeral), nor from Bella or Cissy. Sirius didn’t want anyone in his life right now, but if he would let someone in it would be Andy.

He started reading the letter.

“Dear cousin Sirius,

I know for a fact that you forgot it, but today is November 3rd”

He did not know what was the date until he read it, but why was it important?

“And it is your birthday, you are 22.”

Damn it. why was he allowed to become 22 when James, Lily and Peter will never be? He never did like his birthday, but that was the worst he ever felt about it.

“In case you didn’t know, the funeral for the Potters will take place on Saturday the 7th in Godric’s Hollow, you should be there.”

Sirius didn’t know if he needed to thank Andy or shout at her. He wouldn’t know when was the funeral if she wouldn’t have told him, but she wasn’t in charge of him and she couldn’t tell him what to do.

“I am very sorry for your loss, most people, even their friends, will see the Potter’s death as the thing that ended the war, and from their point of view, as terrible as it is, it shouldn’t be a sad thing. But you never will, they were your friends and the family you never had and you will never think for a second that their death was worth ending the war.”

He thanked the world for having Andy as a cousin; she was the only family he had left, and although they weren’t very close in the last few years, she still understood him well.

“you’re  ~~ invited ~~ ”

The word ‘invited’ was erased with a line and instead was written, in a messy handwriting “ **_going_ ** ”

“To join us on the winter holidays, you are not going to spend the holiday all by yourself and we want you to meet Nymphadora properly, you two haven’t met in a long time.”

Why would she be inviting him to Christmas now? Christmas was almost two months away, and again, Andy, or even Ted, can’t tell him what to do. But he wouldn’t decline the invitation (if it even was an invitation). He wanted to meet Nymphadora ( _ This name is too long for a little girl, I need to find a good nickname for her  _ he thought) again, he only met her once or twice and she sure has grown up since then. 

“Your cousin, Andromeda Tonks.”

Sirius didn’t want to return an answer right now, if it was his choice he would go back to sleep right now and only send an answer sometimes later with his own owl, Elvendork (although he would probably be caught in grief again and won’t do it). But Andy’s owl was sooooooooo annoying and it wouldn’t get back to the Tonks’s until Sirius wrote a response, so after Sirius went to feed Elvendork and Andy’s owl (Elvendork wasn’t very happy with Sirius, the last time he was fed was two days before), he started writing his response.

“Dear Andy, (and Ted, if you’re reading it too,)

Thank you for your letter, and for informing me about the funeral.

Also, thank you for your honest condolence.

I would be happy to be with you on the holidays, it wouldn’t be the same without everyone, and I would love to see Nymphadora again.

But you two are not my parents (and I don’t think you’d want to be them) so you have no right over me and can’t tell me what to do, 

Your cousin Sirius.”

Sirius didn’t write in his usual funny tone, he was so mentally drained and it made him return to his childhood teachings and to be formal. Deep down, he was still that little frightened boy whose parents hated him, and now he couldn’t escape the boy anymore. He didn’t have his sarcasm, nor his friends to help him get away from him. It scared Sirius, he ran from that boy for all those years, and now he had nowhere left to run to, he couldn’t shield himself anymore.

Sirius couldn't handle this feeling, he tied the letter to Andy’s owl, sent it away and went to sleep, hoping for a little comfort.

Sirius dreamt.

The first dream he had since that night. 

It wasn’t a good dream, even though it started as one.

The dream started with a pack of animals; a proud deer, a funny dog, a smart wolf and a shy rat. All of the animals were playing together and having fun. The animals were always together, they were laughing together, they were helping each other, they never let the others be alone. They were young and happy.

But as the dream went by, it changed. At first, it was only a slight change, the animals weren’t together as much, each of them had his own problems and they didn’t have the time to help each other that much anymore. But then it became worse, the stag, the wolf and the rat had responsibilities, but the dog didn’t have anything to do. He tried to be with the others and help them, but they all were too busy, and even though they wanted, they didn’t have the time to be with the dog, and he started feeling lonely. And then they were all gone, and the dog was told the wolf chased the other two away, and that none of the three will ever come back. 

As the dog became lonelier and lonelier, the dream darkened more and more, and in the end, the only thing that was seen was a big and scary shadow of a wolf.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The only thing Remus Lupin could think about in his first days in Azkaban was how guilty he was. Most people, if they saw things from his perspective, would say that he was not guilty at all. He had very good reasons for everything he did and all his choices were completely sensible, but he didn’t care. 

It was all his fault, exactly like Peter said. How could he indeed, it was Lily and James, and he was the one responsible for the fact that both of them were dead. And Sirius, oh fuck, Remus was sure that as soon as he was aware of what happened, Sirius would never leave his bed, he knew that the man couldn’t deal with that level of loneliness. Sirius wasn’t himself when he was alone, and Remus prayed with all his will that there will be someone there to help Sirius. He thought about Harry too of course, and he was hoping so hard that someone would find suitable guardians for him, the little boy had been through too much already. He didn't know who could take him in, they planned it, of course, and Sirius was always the first option, but Remus knew that in the state Sirius probably was in, he was not able to take care of a child.

Remus knew Sirius very well, and the man needed others so much, but he wasn’t able to say it. In some ways, Remus was the same, before Remus came to Hogwarts all he wanted was a friend, and his prayer was answered. He had the best friends that anyone could wish for, they learned very dangerous and complicated magic just to help him and were always so supportive in any way possible. But in the last few months, they became distant; James had Lily and Harry to take care of and that awful prophecy that would keep him awake at night, Peter had… who knows what, he was probably a Death-Eater by then, and Remus had missions from the order. His missions were with the werewolf packs, mostly around the full but not just then, and although most of the werewolves weren’t bad people, they still killed people in the full because they weren’t able to control themselves, and that scared Remus very much.

But it didn’t matter anymore, did it? He was in Azkaban now, and there was no one to kill here. The full was in a week and Remus didn’t have a tiny bit of idea what would happen then, but that was his life now, and he told himself that he had to learn to live like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote Remus like that because I don't think he will feel innocent. I think that he will think that everything was his fault, and I don't like the fact that the way Sirius survived Azkaban was the thought of being innocent.


	4. Chapter three

Sirius didn’t do anything in the few days after he got Andy’s letter unless you consider feeding Elvendork and eating a piece of toast once a day a thing to do. Everything reminded him of the others, and there were hundreds of photos of everyone in the flat. Sirius tried to take all the photos down and put them in boxes or something, but every time he thought he managed to find every photo in the house, and there was Remus’s charming smile, James’s messy hair, Peter’s chubby face or Lily’s perfect hair. 

They were smiling in every photo, even in the one that was taken at the start of third year, after Sirius’s mother cut his hair and he was so furious. He even found a picture of him and Regulus, he always thought he didn’t have any nice pictures of them together, but that one was from Regulus’s first Hogsmeade trip when the two of them were still on good terms. Sirius was very excited to show Regulus all the amazing things that Hogsmeade had to offer that day. 

But the days passed quickly. Or maybe they stretched forever?

Sirius didn’t know, he felt so weird, but in the end, the days passed and Saturday came.

When he first woke up, he felt a little better than the days before, so he went to the small kitchen in the flat and ate a piece of toast. And then he remembered that he actually had something to do today, that the funeral was held that day.

He didn’t know what hour the funeral would be, so he decided to come to Godric’s Hollow as early as possible. But he needed to put on some normal and muggle clothes first. As soon as he did so and when he was ready, he apparated to Godric’s Hollow (taking his motorbike wasn’t an officiant way to get there and it also felt disrespectful). 

When he got to the village, he saw a few obituaries of the Potters, and they all said that the funeral will be held at 11:00. 

And 11:00, according to Sirius’s watch, was in exactly 37 minutes. He was relieved about the fact that he got there in time, he was almost sure he was going to be late and miss the service. He was a little early so when he got to the graveyard there were only a few people there, and only one who Sirius recognized.

Daniel Abbot was a short man with light hair, who was one year older than Sirius and as soon as he saw Sirius he waved at him. 

Sirius was in no mood to talk to the man but he couldn’t just ignore him, why? well, it wasn’t… polite. Sirius never cared about being polite but right now he felt like being polite was just... easier. Sirius approached the man.

'I’m so sorry for your loss, Sirius,” the man asked, sounding a little worried, “are you okay?' 

'No, not really, but I’ll get there,” Sirius didn’t know if he lied, but that was what he chose to say because he didn’t want anyone to worry about him. “What about you? How are you these days?'

The man’s face lightened up immediately 'I am well, very well” he said with a smile “my daughter turned two only two days ago.' 

'I never saw you hanging out with the potters so much, may I ask why you came today?' questioned Sirius.

'They were great people and I wanted to say goodbye to them for the last time,” And then added, “It’s a thing about villages, we are all one community.' 

Then he walked away, toward another section of the graveyard.

As time passed and the hour of the funeral drew nearer, more people came. Sirius didn’t know all of them, probably muggles from the village. But he caught the eye of Mary MacDonald, a friend of Lily’s from Hogwarts, Professor McGonagall and her nephew, Matthew, and a few other people.

After a few short remarks from neighbours of the Potters, two childhood friends of Lily’s, two people who were on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, another guy from Hogwarts who Sirius was quite sure had been in Reggie’s year, professor McGonagall and even Slughorn, Mary came to give a full and long eulogy. She talked beautifully about Lily’s braveness and James’s kind heart, about how Lily stood up to her and about how much of a good friend James was. Because it was a muggle event she couldn’t say about how brave their death was and had to use the cover story and say that what killed them was a gas leak. 

After Mary finished, Sirius was called to say a eulogy himself. He didn’t have anything written but he knew what he wanted to say.

'Lily and James Potter were the greatest of people. I loved them with all my heart and always will. James Potter was my best friend and was always there for me. I met him the same day I met Lily Evans. On that day I learned two important facts, one about each of them; I learned that Lily Evans will always stand up for her friends and that James Potter was not afraid to say what he thought. Those facts had been the greatest thing and the most dangerous thing about both of them. I found myself on both sides of both of those facts on various occasions. As kids, James and I weren't always the nicest of people, especially not for those who were very different from us and when it got us on Lily’s bad side she really taught us to never underestimate the ‘power of friendship’. But when Lily was on our side and with us, no one had a chance against her.'

At this point, Sirius was in tears but also laughing. The time he spent with James and Lily was the best in his life but it ended, too soon

'James Potter was the bravest person I knew. Not because of how he stood up against his enemies but because he stood up against his own friends. He was always there to tell me what I was doing wrong. Every time I wanted to pull a dangerous prank on someone or to do something that will make me hurt myself he was there to stop me. And if he couldn’t stop me he was always the bigger person and took responsibility. He was also the kindest person I knew. He was always there to support his friends, to help them through a rough time. When I was sixteen I ran away from home and James and his parents took me in like it was the most ordinary thing to do. That day James told me that he will always be my brother no matter what will happen.

I lost a brother and a good friend that day but they will always be in my heart because the ones that love us never truly leave us. We all learned something from those great people, and even if we will forget them, they will always be with us, always helping and never ever criticizing.'

And with that, Sirius Black said goodbye to his friends.

After the funeral ended, Two people came to talk to Sirius; Richard King and Matthew McGonagall. Both of them were on the Gryffindor Quidditch team with James and Sirius back in the day.

'Sirius, how are you doing?' Matthew asked.

'Bad. Real bad. But it will be fine.' Sirius answered. 

'We are so so sorry. We were so shocked when we heard about it. James was truly a great man.' Said Richard. 

'Can we help somehow?' Matthew asked Sirius, 'It won’t be a bother for us.'

'I don’t think there is something right now, but thank you anyway.' And then he asked, kind of embarrassed, 'I really don’t mean to come off rude or anything, but, are you two dating?'

'In fact, yes.' Said Matthew, blushing a little.

'Matt, we have to get back to the flat,” Richard said, looking at his watch, “You are the one who promised Minerva a tour.'

“Send us an owl if you need anything.” Said Matthew who then turned to his boyfriend and left. 

Sirius left after that, he was exhausted and could not have handled more people that day.

The Longbottoms were tortured only the next day. The only good thing was that two days after his darling cousin finally went to rot in Azkaban. But Azkaban reminded him of Remus, and the full moon was the next day.

  
  


\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the worst full in Remus’s life, even worse than his first full moon. 

Bellatrix Lestrange apparently decided that her life goal now was to make Remus’s life miserable and although she was only one full day in Azkaban since she got there she didn’t stop laughing at him. And when the full moon came and Remus started changing, her laugh was so loud that Remus couldn't hear his own screams.

The Dementors made all his pain and anger before the full moon much worse and drained him from energy, a thing that made the change so much more terrible because the wolf sucked all of his remaining energy.

The full itself was different from everything he ever experienced before. It was a lot more brutal and painful but he felt… free. It wasn’t just the wolf who was free from being pushed aside, it was 

Remus himself who felt it.

The wolf was in control. The Dementors didn’t have power over the beast. He was more... human? No, he wasn’t human, he was a wolf. But he felt more Moony. He felt more like himself. It didn’t matter who he was, the only fact that mattered was that he was someone. 

**The worst was still bearable.** That was the thought that kept him alive.

It wasn’t a happy thought; it meant that he would suffer so much, but it wouldn't kill him. And even if it was worse than dying, that was reality. 


	5. Chapter four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays!

Sirius Black was eight the first time he realized that he wasn’t what people wanted him to be.

_‘_ ** _Sirius Orion Black!_** _I will not tolerate such things in my house and_ _you will not express any of your disgusting opinions here!’_

_ His mother screamed at him to go to his room. He went all the way up to his room but instead of crying, (he shamed the Black name enough today and he was not going to test what would happen if one of his parents was going to hear him cry) and then sat on his bed and tried to think.  _

_ Sirius didn’t understand why saying that ‘muggle music is cool’ had made his mother so angry, and yes, he brought a muggle device (it didn’t even work, but it looked so cool and different from everything that he had and he just had to take it home) into Grimmauld place, but why was that so bad? He only wanted to see how the muggle music worked. _

_ And then he thought about it more and finally came to a conclusion. No one wanted him to be himself. No one wanted him to have fun and explore. They only wanted him to be perfect, to know all the stupid traditions and to act like a ‘true Black heir’. _

_ The only person who was nice to him was Reg but Sirius was almost sure that when he will be a little older he will be as bad as the others. He knew that Reg was perfect, just what their parents wanted.  _

_ He hated them, all of them, he was just hoping for the moment when he won’t need to be with them all the time anymore. The moment was so far in the future for an eight-year-old boy, his Hogwarts letter will only come in another three years, but he didn’t care, he just wanted to get out. He had to wait. _

And he got out of there, his first refuge was Hogwarts but it was not the only one. The Potters’ manor, the Lupins’ home, the house in Godric’s Hollow, even Peter’s place for a time. There was one more place where he felt safe, and it made him the happiest, because it showed him that being a Black was not a death sentence, that getting out was not just a temporary thing. 

**Christmas 1981**

The Tonks’ home was a lovely place in a small British town, it was quite small but looked beautiful in the snow that was covering almost everything.

When Sirius arrived he felt very uncertain of himself, he wanted to stay home that morning but he wasn’t able to resist meeting people for real. Andy and some other people sent him owls after the funeral, they were all worried about him, but he couldn’t think about his emotional state. He wanted to be active, to act as nothing had happened, that was always his way of dealing with that kind of situations, but he wasn’t able to. He didn’t have anything to do, so he sank deeper and deeper into his feelings. But now he had something to do, and he wanted to make the most of it. 

Sirius knocked on the door, his heart pounding in his chest. Five seconds later, the door opened and a young girl at the age of nine (if Sirius remembered correctly) with a dark blue hair was staring at him with an inquiring look.

‘Are you mum’s cousin?’ She asked him right away. ‘You both got the same nose.’

‘Really?’ It was surprising that  **that** was the first thing she noticed about him.

‘Yeah, but your hair is cooler,' she said and her hair immediately got longer and blacker.

'Well now your hair is just as cool as mine,' he joked. 

'What?' she sounded a little surprised and immediately went to look at her hair when her dad, Ted Tonks, showed up. 

'Sirius, come inside, I'm sorry about Dora, she's just curious about everything,' said the older man. 

The smells inside the house were fabulous, and the whole house looked so beautiful. A big decorated tree was standing in the side of the living room and on the sofa next to it sat Andromeda Black in a lovely dark green and blue dress, smiling at the view of her cousin.

‘Sirius! It’s so good to see you, please have a sit, we were just waiting for you.’

Sirius seated himself at the table, everything looked so right, and Sirius felt too broken to be there. 

‘It’s really nice to see you too, Andy. Thank you for inviting me.’

It was nice being there, feeling like a part of something again, but he was worried he was ruining something. He felt like a burden.

Andy, who always knew what to say, said; ‘Sirius, you are here because you are family. We wanted you to be here, we are here for you.’

Sirius didn’t answer, he just sat there with a small smile and didn’t say anything.

Andy and Ted brought the food to the table and they all started to eat. 

After some time, Sirius tried to start a conversation with Nymphadora, he didn’t know how to talk to a nine-year-old so he asked about the only thing he could think about.

‘Hey, Nymph,’ Sirius began to ask, ‘you are going to Hogwarts in two years, right?’

‘Don’t call m-’ she said, sounding a little angry ‘never mind, you can call me that, Nymphadora is sooooo long, and of course I’m going to Hogwarts. It’s going to be amazing! I’m going to be a Hufflepuff because it’s the coolest house and dad was there. And I will learn all about spells and stuff and it would be brilliant!’ She sounded very excited about those things. ‘ Oh, and I could prank people with my powers!’ 

Sirius, who was already smiling, now fully grinned.

‘Wait,’ Nymph turned to Sirius, ‘What house were you in? Mum said that everyone in her family was in Slytherin like her, which sounds pretty cool, so you were there too?’ 

Sirius wasn’t grinning anymore, ‘No, I was in Gryffindor. But it was fucking cool.’

When Sirius realized he just cursed, it was too late.

‘Sirius Orion Black! No cursing in front of my daughter!’ Andy was trying to look mad, but she wasn’t really angry about Sirius’s cursing, she knew that her daughter knew those words and wasn’t a person to use them often, but she had to set an example as a parent. Her daughter was proving her relation to Sirius and started laughing; not because of the use of a curse word but because she found it very funny watching her mum being mad at someone who wasn’t herself.

After that, the rest of the dinner went without any disturbances but the one-time Nymph “accidentally” turned her nose into a pig snout and almost made Sirius choke on the food he was eating.

When the dinner ended, Nymph went to the sofa to look at the presents that were already under it, she eyed them suspiciously, as though they were a dangerous thing. After looking at the presents for some time, she noticed something. 

‘Hey, Sirius, mum bought you a present!’ She shouted.

Sirius now turned to Andy, who now realized she was caught, ‘you really shouldn’t have, I don't have anything for you.’

‘Lucky for you, it’s not something with much use.’ Andy said frowning.

Sirius was embarrassed by the fact that Andy bought him something; he didn’t buy anything for the Tonks family and wasn’t prepared for them buying something for him. But when he thought about it, he guessed he should have known, after all, it was Andy, she was always caring for Sirius, and when no one was there for him to do small things like buying him a gift for the holidays, she was there to do that.

‘Well, I think I should go home, I don’t want to be a bother,’ Sirius said, ready to go. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to stay, but he felt like he was ruining the holiday spirit.

‘Sirius Black,’ interjected Ted, ‘you are not going anywhere, you’re staying here tonight. It’s Christmas and we will not let you be alone.’

‘Ted is right, you are staying here, we have a guest room that you can sleep in,’ Andromeda said. ‘And if Nymphadora can take herself to her room, I need to talk to you about something.’

‘Mummmmmmmmmm, why can’t I stay here? I’m not little, I can understand stuff, you even told me about your sister.’ Nymphadora sounded annoyed.

‘It’s not the same thing, and it’s already late,’ Andromeda said, ‘if you want to open presents tomorrow you need to go to sleep.’ 

‘Kay, but if I’ll wake you up tomorrow it’ll be your fault.’ Nymphadora said.

After Dora went to sleep, they sat to talk.

‘Did you tell her about Bella? Why?’ Sirius asked Andy.

‘Bella’s picture was on the Prophet, and Dora asked Andy about her,’ answered Ted.

‘Oh, are you okay, Andy?’ Sirius asked in a worried voice.

‘I’m fine, and I am not the one here that needs to be asked this question,’ Said Andy.

‘What did you want to talk about?’ Sirius asked, ‘Is everything okay?’

‘We are okay, but I think you should know something.’ Andy’s voice went dry, ‘Dumbledore thinks that The Da- You-Know-Who is still alive.’

‘What?’ Jumped Sirius, ‘it can't be! He- he is dead.’

‘I don't know too much about it, but if Dumbledore thinks he is alive,’ said Ted, ‘it must be for a reason.’

‘If he is alive I’m going to kill him myself!’ Sirius looked very angry. 

‘Sirius, please calm down. If he is alive we are all in danger, you can’t be impulsive.’ Andy, the calculated Slytherin said, ‘It’s not an easy thing, you would have to study those things, it’s dangerous.’

‘I will study it,’ said Sirius in a very stern tone. ‘I will kill the monster who killed my brother.’

‘You need to sleep,’ said Ted, ‘you are not doing anything right now.’

Sirius went to sleep, or at least to bed; he didn’t sleep, he thought about Voldemort. In the short time, he did sleep he had nightmares, he saw Voldemort murdering James, Lily and Regulus. 

In the morning Dora woke them all, as she promised; She was excited about opening the presents.

‘Sirius, you should go first!’ Nymph jumped excitedly. 

Sirius opened the present. It was a set of three necklaces, one with a crown, the other with a lily flower and the last with a broom. Symbols for his lost family. Sirius began to cry silently.

‘That way you can keep them close to your heart, they will always be there.’ Andromeda said softly.

‘Thank you, Andy.’ Sirius said in a whisper.

After Nymph opened all of her presents, it was time for Sirius to go, he said thank you to all the Tonks and Nymph told him that he needs to visit more often.

Sirius apparated back to his flat and started to cry, he would think about Voldemort later, now he wanted to be with himself and the memories. 

It was a good Christmas. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the necklaces, the crown necklace is for Regulus and the broom necklace is for James.  
> For Reg's necklace, I had three ideas,  
> I could have made it a star because Regulus is a star,  
> I could have made it a lion because the Regulus star is in the Leo constellation,  
> and I could have made it a crown (and in the end, I chose this idea) because Regulus in Latin means prince.  
> James's necklace was a little more complicated, the meaning of the name James is the name Ya'akov (יעקב) in Hebrew. The meaning of this name is a heel, or to follow, and the only thing I had in mind is to make it a foot, but I thought it would sound stupid. There is a problem with choosing a broom because Reg was also a seeker, but that was my best idea

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment! I would really like to know what you thought about it.


End file.
